Sardines I

I always thought you needed fins
To get packed into sardine tins
But we all form a perfect cube
When we are travelling on the Tube
With someone's armpit by my head
I fear the smell may knock me dead
This situation must improve
I cannot breathe, I cannot move
I need no balance, not at all
If this train brakes I cannot fall
My fellow sardines hold me firm
This little fish can't even squirm
While moving down inside the cars
Is less likely than going to Mars
There is no room within this tin
The only way to squeeze more in
Is travelling as the sardines go
With everyone packed head to toe



Sardines II

A woman sometimes gets onto my train
Not every day but every day's the same
She stands outside, cries 'Could you please move DOWN!'
Sounds like a teacher, on her face a frown
So we all sigh and try to make some space
Just one expression on each person's face
We all dislike her - such a pompous Miss
But does she know or is her ignorance bliss?
I'd like to be so rude and make demands
So people all would jump at my commands
But in the end we all are just the same
Trying to get to work is all our aim
So please in future push and shout much less
We really all could do without the stress



Got Religion, Will Travel

Today I have become so deaf
Of hearing I am quite bereft
For, travelling on my way to work
I was accompanied by a jerk
Who proffered his religious views
A monotone was what he used
But with the volume turned up LOUD
He made a big space in the crowd
I placed my finger in my ear
And hoped that he would disappear
With the invectives he was flinging
When he got off my ears were ringing
Maybe his speech has got me saved
For if in life I've misbehaved
They'll call and call for me in vain
I won't be present to explain
For when the judgement trumpets call
I will not hear their sound at all



Ealing Broadway Station

At Ealing, where two trains await
The people hurrying from the gate
One train leaves first, but beeps before
And then announces 'Mind the door'
So why do people not jump in
But start a race they cannot win?
They run along beside the train
Until they're left out in the rain
And looking foolish, must pretend
That's how they meant it all to end
As, walking to the other side
Upon the next train they must ride
But even that's not really odd
Compared to when some silly sod
Hears the beeping, starts to run
Gives us all a lot of fun
Seeing him jump in, to find
He's on the train that's left behind



Holborn Station I

Did I say Holborn station's strange?
It's true, I swear - I'm not deranged
On Thursday night I saw four men
Who reached the bottom step and then
The one in front refused to move
His friends behind all tried to prove
That they could lift him, but no go
He was too heavy even though
He laughed so much his face was pink
The people passing didn't think
To stop and laugh was worth the bother
Four men stacked one behind the other
The front man braced against the stair
The ones behind could go nowhere
They didn't care about the crowd
Neither did I - I laughed out loud



Holborn Station II

At Holborn station, on the stairs
I came upon them unawares
Two days this week I found a sock
While hurrying to beat the clock
So if you have a little child
Who likes to let his toes run wild
This may be where he sets them free
Or, otherwise, the truth may be
That when you wash, and half the pair
Disappears to who knows where
They sink through drains to underground
Where, deep beneath the earth, they're found
In the Tube, in tunnel lairs
Except for these, caught on the stairs
And that's not all I've seen that's strange
Upon the Holborn interchange...



Holborn Station III

I am standing on the platform at the end of Holborn station
And the girl who stands behind me there is getting quite impatient
So when the train arrives and we are stepping on at last
She comes right up behind me and she's moving just too fast
Her foot bumps on my ankle and descends down to my heel
Then a draught upon my foot is the sensation that I feel
For my shoe has come right off and there it's balanced on the edge
As I watch it falls right over, down below the platform ledge
So I jump straight off the train and I am looking at my shoe
As the people laugh at me and I just don't know what to do
But the girl is very nice and says because it was her fault
She'll find someone to get my shoe, but I still feel a dolt
For the trains go in and out and still I'm standing at the side
With a set of lovely toes that I just cannot seem to hide
All the passengers are noticing that I have lost one shoe
They all seem to find it funny - well I know that it is true
But I wish that they would hurry and get back my shoe for me
For as I stand upon the platform I have lost all dignity
Then the men arrive at last, but on the inside I still groan
For one of them is laughing, and he holds a megaphone
I hope he will not use it to announce to all the world
'Hey, look at this, we're pulling up a lost shoe for this girl'
In the end my shoe is OK and they give it back to me
After thanking them profusely, to go home now I am free
For the next few days I'm thinking, even though it doesn't suit
I will try to get to work on time, but use a different route



Holborn Station IV

The Holborn escalators died
To fix them, for five years they tried
But there was an horrendous wait
To get from platforms to the gate
With 20 minutes to interchange
Your life you had to rearrange
One day, when shuffling in the crowd
A voice behind cried really loud
'O let me through, please let me out!'
A desperate pleading kind of shout
Emergency, we thought, and parted
Let him through all golden hearted
But then he cried, 'I can't be late
I have to meet her for a date'
A silence fell. We were dismayed
Was it for this we'd been delayed?
Then someone laughed, the mood was lifted
With good humour we were gifted
So cheering up, the tension ends
And we move on, a group of friends



Holborn Station V

On the tube wall, a poster ad
A girl, to please each passing lad
Thus, so distracted was this man
That into me he almost ran
While concentrating on her bust
His thoughts all filled with healthy lust
Embarrassed, he apologised
But still did not avert his eyes



Not Alarmed

One morning when warmongering was surely at its height
And the newspapers were trying hard to give us all a fright
The proclamation given was that in a dirty fight
Three quarters of an hour would be how long until the might
Of Iraq's weapons hit us and subdued us evermore
Leaving nothing in the west, so we must strike first, to be sure
Well the man upon the train where we were reading this sad story
Did not blink an eye or tremble, no his courage was a glory
For he read about the deadline for the time of this great crime
And the next thing that he did was raise his watch to check the time



Waiting

The first train is always for Richmond
Except when I want to go there
No matter what my destination
There's a train that is going elsewhere
All I ask is my train's first on average
For I think that would only be fair
But the second train, too, is a wrong 'un
Though the waiting I surely can bear
As I wait on the platform downhearted
At what's happening around I'm aware
And there's usually something amusing
I can write in a ditty to share
There's a man with a woman's umbrella
Hiding all that he can in his fist
There's a boy with a face full of chocolate
Who's insisting his mother gets kissed
There's a woman who's so busy talking
That her ice cream's all over her wrist
So if the first train I had boarded
Just look at the fun I'd have missed



Inconvenient

I had a long and winding trip to Bank
Before I left, a pint or two I sank
Though for my meeting I might just be late
Without a break I could not concentrate
Insistent signals I could not refuse
And so I headed for the public loos
I found the place was clean and neat and free
With just one feature there which puzzled me
The paper was the hard and scratchy kind
The sort I thought we long had left behind
When so much money surely had been spent
Why could they not for comfort's sake relent
Providing paper that was soft and smooth
To still the whimpering from every booth



Midnight on the Tube

A woman sings on the platform
Jumping from contralto to falsetto
Practising duets with herself

Sensing the vibration of the rails
A drab mouse darts across the track
Away from the train's approach

While the woman moves towards it
And for a scant, descanted second
Teeters on the edge



Witnessed on the Tube

He came from the Antipodes
(We don't make Christians quite like these)
He bore us witness, short and sweet
In phrases that were clear and neat
God loves you all, he said, so pray
With that, he smiled and walked away