Name Badges

Another business 'do' tonight
No end to boozing yet in sight
A tough life, as I'm sure you know
But I've been told I have to go
To drink champagne and chat to friends
O will this hardship never end?
But where I have most fun and games
Is reading badges with the names
My eyesight's poor; I am too proud
To wear my glasses in a crowd
So I employ this cunning ruse
I talk until they give me clues
Of where they work and what's their job
And if their name is Bill or Bob
With glasses on, I don't look cool
Without them, I am just a fool



Appraisal

I just had my objectives set
My senior manager I met
He sat me down, he gave me tea
Then asked me what I thought of me
Now that's a tough one - what to say?
I can't just state that I'm OK
Or praise too high or criticise
So I embark on big fat lies
I tell him I enjoy my work
Would do it without any perks
Don't want a rise, don't want to move
Just my performance to improve
The truth would leave me in a mess
I want more pay for doing less



A Cautionary Tale

Yesterday I had to do
An early morning interview
In offices at our main branch
The place we call 'Back at the Ranch'
But when I'm working day to day
It's at another branch I stay
I hurried out: I was on time
The nine o'clock bells yet to chime
When, standing at the ticket gate
(I realized it far too late)
Travelling in without a thought
My normal train is what I'd caught
So, running now, I must retrace
My journey to the proper place

Moral of the Story:
Auto-pilot's only good
If you wake up when you should



Bimbo to the Boss

O woe is me, my boss's view
Despite my efforts, all I do
Is, being female, I must lack
A grasp of all important facts
Although I'm older, know much more
Than many colleagues, here's the score
My pay is lower, status low
It looks like I will have to go
So disappointed, my hard work
Has left me without any perks
But still I'm sitting, Sunday morn
I'm up before the crack of dawn
And worrying 'bout what went wrong
While I compose this mournful song
So on this basis, I admit
Perhaps the cruel description fits
I ought to say, 'OK, you lose'
Just shake their dust off from my shoes
I should relax and worry less
Feel confident that I'm the best
By fretting here, by feeling pain
I must just have a bimbo's brain



Farewell

Depressed economies need a boost
Statistics tell of jobs reduced
Of firms that close, of firms downsized
It's nothing new, it's no surprise
But sometimes when they let them go
It is a friend, someone I know
And then I'm grieving, feeling bad
I miss the colleagues that we had
I feel so guilty, feel so cross
I want to argue with their boss
And people who are now at home
May feel low down, may feel alone
But though their job is at an end
From where they worked, they still have friends



New Project

So here I go, it's back to work
I won't be shy, I must not shirk
But though I try to act so cool
It feels just like first day at school
For every new job that I do
The people I know there are few
And I have got a lot to prove
Every time I make a move
So, if by chance we meet today
Take a moment, please, to say
'Chin up, girl, no need to whine
For everything will turn out fine'



Brainy Bird

Some people think I'm overstating
My intellectual high rating
My brain is the size of a planet
A statement that is less big than it
Might have been, you will agree
When I say, it's Mercury
As planets go, it is not massive
Though it clearly is not passive
Quicksilver, just like my mind
Lucky, then, that I am kind
And speak to those who aren't so bright
Yes, you there, basking in my light
But all my colleagues ever see
Is some high-earner's secretary
And I must stop now, as I ought
To finish typing this report



Office Liar

He says that he has done it
Though I think it isn't true
For the task was not completed
When I last had looked it through
And if we were in a pub I'd say
His statement was a lie
But here I must content myself
With staring at his tie
For in the politics of work
There's things one cannot say
And to call a man a liar is
Considered too risque
So I must bite my tongue in case
My speech is too uncouth
While I lay down my pride upon
The altar of untruth



Clanger
(An enigmatic colleague)

We'll never know what Clanger knows
He sits there with his eyes tight closed
Ineffable and quite at peace
While we who plan the next Release
Debate and fight then scream and shout
The Clanger saunters gently out
Reports on progress with good cheer
But what he says is less than clear
Not what was right, but what he chose
We'll never know what Clanger knows



Sarah's Do

Sarah's leaving her job today
Taking all summer off to play
We should be sad, or so they tell us
But really we are only jealous
Sarah's leaving her job, but then
Who will send to every hen
Emailed pictures of naked men
And jokes to make us laugh again?

Sarah's leaving her job, I think
It's just an excuse for another drink
A good excuse - it's only fair
To send her off happy - I'll see you there!



Initial Impressions

A business task that can be grim
Is working out each acronym
Each company has got a set
That you'll not understand, I bet
For every place has got its own
Some standardised, but most home grown

Initials meaning different things
Should lend communication wings
But if you do not understand
You may say things you never planned
Which maybe leaves your boss bemused
But generally just confused
And would we not more knowledge glean
If we could just say what we mean?



NBD

Poor NBD; he makes me cross
Then suffers from my temper loss
I try to make him understand
My notes are castles in the sand
His tide comes in and wipes them out
It does not work to scream and shout
I'd like to poke him in the eye
But hate to see a grown man cry
He cannot change his feeble brain
So, though he's driving me insane
The way to save my mental health
Is just to do it all myself
Try not to put the blame on him
He can't help being Nice But Dim



Going to the Dark Side

I'm going to the Dark Side
They all say it's bad out there
I'm going to the Dark Side
And I've not a thing to wear
That heavy cloak and armour
Well it isn't really me
The face mask is too cumbersome
And makes it hard to see

I'm going to the Dark Side
Where I doubt that I'll be bored
I'm going to the Dark Side
Where I'll get my just reward
For all the times I fought them
For the rotten things I said
Will now come back to plague me
When they shout at me instead

I'm going to the Dark Side
And it's looking pretty black
I'm going to the Dark Side
Where they'll see all that I lack
From a distance I'm quite scary
With my panoply of death
But up close it's shiny plastic
Polyester, heavy breath

So I hope the Force is wth me
In the Dark Side, when I go
And will make up for deficiencies
In all the things I know



Poor Me

I'm tired and weary, cannot see
Why life should be so cruel to me
I climbed the ladder, bent my mind
To leaving poverty behind
But now I find, ironically
I'm trapped here by my salary