Ealing Broadway

30 minutes, 30 feet
My daughter had arranged to meet
Her father, who would give a lift
To her friend also, as a gift
Eleven thirty, picked her up
When back at home they made a cup
Of tea
and sat in our front room
When very loud there came a boom
A bomb exploding in a car
Which had been parked not very far
From where my daughter had to wait
So lucky she did not leave late



Bubble Wrap

Today I saw a man upon a bike
Travelling just as fast as he would like
Not worried whether he'd get safely there
Because of the equipment he did bear
For there upon his back, tied with a strap
He carried a great roll of bubble wrap
Not only would it save him from all pain
But later would be great to entertain
For how could any evening be a flop
If all your friends can come around to pop?



Parking Rules OK

I bought a lovely little car
To take me roaming near and far
A parking permit I will need
To satisfy the council's greed
But here's a tale that's really merry;
I got a chit that's temporary
With rules on it that seem just fine
Like, not to park on yellow lines
And (printed bold) some admonitions
Most are reasonable conditions
Of where and when I may not park
But one of them is quite a lark
The car may park but - this is splendid
It 'MUST NOT BE LEFT UNATTENDED'



Bad Influence

My daughter's friend's parents
Have banned her from their house
They say taking their girl home drunk
Makes her quite a louse
Obviously not too bright
Or else they'd stop to think
Which of those two lovely girls
Had taken too much drink
For my indignation
I surely can't be blamed
If she had left her friend behind
Then I would be ashamed
Apparently, though, our daughter
Would not be half so bad
If she wasn't stuck with
An irresponsible Mum and Dad
I got my own back on them
Although it cost me dear
I said, no matter how they begged
They are not welcome here



Spider!

There's nothing on the telly
And I'm feeling rather smelly
So I go into the bathroom for a shower
But my plan just isn't working
Cause I find a beasty lurking
And its eight legs make me jump and scream and cower
I cannot bear to touch it
Regardless of how much it
Is helpless 'gainst my size and strength and power
So I guess it's time to own up
That I am not yet a grown up
In a crisis I'm a fragile little flower
Now I'm waiting for a strong man
To dispose of it if he can
After all, he should be home within the hour



Yacht

Did I ever tell you the fright that I got
When we ended up being chased by a yacht?
Another true story; things happen to me
That you wouldn't believe if they were on T.V.
But to get back to where I had started before
We were travelling along on the quiet A4
On a Sunday at 7, with hardly a car,
In our mini, quite slowly - we hadn't gone far
When behind came a sight that was truly amazing
A convoy approaching with all sirens blazing
Three policemen on motorbikes, speeding a lot
And behind them a hundred foot, shiny new yacht
It was travelling along at a rocketing speed
But ahead we could not see the turn-off we'd need
And the mini for driving in town was quite nifty
But would struggle to go at a speed over 50
Still the policemen were waving us on to our fastest
There wasn't the width on thee road to go past us
As our car forged ahead creaking at every seam
I gripped on my seat, just suppressing a scream
Quite convinced that the yacht, which was huge, as it rushed
Would soon just overtake us and we would be crushed
For two miles in this nightmare we drove up ahead
While behind us the massive boat scarily sped
Getting closer and closer, increasing my fright
Til a side road at last on the left came in sight
And we cornered at 90 and sat in a sweat
That's as close to a yacht as I've ever got yet



Linda's Loss

Young Linda in Facilities
Looks after our utilities
She is a quite resourceful girl
But last week got her in a whirl
When going to the office do
This accident I swear is true
She dressed up in her evening gown
And gave herself a twirl around
She looked so good, she looked so well
She checked herself for VPL
When - Oh what horror! - something wrong
She saw the outline of her thong
So off it came, and in her pocket
Now this evening she can rock it
Her boss was kind, he gave a lift
To all his staff - a seasonal gift
But when they got out of his car
He was surprised they'd gone so far
For on his seat her thong was left
He could not tell which one, bereft
Of underwear had lost the thing
And so his voice, quite clear, did ring
Across the street, 'Who lost their knickers? '
While all did stare and most did snicker
Linda, brave girl, just faced her boss
And said to him, 'Your gain, my loss'
So skilfully, 'twas rectified
(But on her face eggs would have fried)



Party Postscript

We had a Secret Santa, had to draw names from a bag
Upon each gift we had to stick a printed label tag
So you could not tell who bought each gift, a secret just for fun
While the theme was lewd and crude, meant to embarrass every one
But the plan it seemed to falter, for with some we could perceive
That the gift that they had given was what they'd like to receive
So the willy warmer left abandoned by a likely lad
Was seized on by an old bloke - of its comfort he'd be glad
While the office perv who gave a girl a nurses uniform
Wore it on the dance floor later, just to help him to perform
For myself, the job was easier as you will plainly see
As my secret is, the name I drew out from the bag was me!



Football Fever I

Now football fever's pitched up here
We're rising early, drinking beer
With screens in public squares all round
The air is filled with football's sound
With England chants and cheering fans
And, in the City, marching bands
Were spotted coming down the street
All draped in flags from head to feet
And so today we hope the Danes
Will soon recover from their pain



Football Fever II

My daughter travelled long to reach
One special spot upon the beach
One Sunday morning, there at eight
She had to be there, not be late
The reason for this, you must see
She had to stand and watch TV
Up there upon a giant screen
The most exciting match she'd seen
Copacabana was the place
And when Brazil had won the race
She partied on throughout the day
In Rio, where they love to play



Musical Educashun

When my son was only three
He'd always sing along with me
And in the car the tunes we'd play
He would join in with every day
The tapes we had were quite a mix
Played often, in his mind they'd fix
The words were meaningless to him
But he'd repeat them verbatim
One day then we were shocked to hear
A statement that seemed to appear
From some possessing demon's thought
Not speaking as a young boy ought
'I am an anarchist', he said
'I am the antichrist'. His head
Had not been filled with wholesome roles
But words learned from the Sex Pistols



Lost and Found

I lost my ring a few weeks back
I'd had a drink, my mind was slack
I thought I'd left it on the couch
I looked all round, I was no slouch
And later, though it was a drag
I looked all through the vacuum bag
But all that effort was quite wrong
'Twas in my pocket all along



Times Change

As I emerge from the train tunnel, smoke
filling the air, drifting
across the chimney pots
While the smell of cooking fires, of charcoal
fills the senses
colours the grey London streets
Children gather round
hands outstretched
clamouring for food
Times change, thankfully
turning towards the light
For it is barbeque season again



Hamster

The hamster that's owned by my son
Has recently had lots of fun
For while we painted my son's room
We moved it to avoid a swoon
Brought on by all the painty smell
Which must, to it, be hamster hell
And so we moved its cage, instead
Into the spare room, by the bed
But in the morning it had chewed
A big hole in what looked like food
To it, but was instead the sheet
From which a circle quite complete
Had disappeared into its tum
And now is working towards its bum
But if it farted, what a hoot
If out should pop a parachute
And say this trick it then repeats
We'd surely know it had the sheets



Pop Idol

Pop Idolling my time away
'No time to watch,' I hear you say
But happily on Saturday
Where there's a Will, there was a way



The Opera Chorus

A reformation cleric's
The impression that she made
White collared, stiff and pointing
Bending from the shoulder blades
Whereas the girl beside her
In a blue and flouncy dress
Reminded me of nothing more
Than an overgrown shepherdess
And next to her a girl stands
Who thinks she's gone too far
And has to share her strapline
With a matching bra
Standing right behind her
I'm looking rather sweet
In my sizes-too-big jacket
And a dress from the boutique
I have no real reason
For feeling insecure
For we are all the same here
Exposed and so unsure
So we sing a little chorus
Of 'How do I look tonight?'
And the answer back from everyone
Is 'Dear, you look alright.'



Sunny Day

Sitting in the garden on a sunny afternoon
Soaking up the sun, the day is over all too soon
Children all are playing, food is cooking on the fire
I find myself relaxing and my spirits rising higher
Lying on a blanket with sunglasses on my head
I look a pretty sight as all my skin turns lobster red
So I choose a spot more shady as I sip a glass of wine
Can anybody tell me of a day that is more fine?



BBQ Blues

I'm suffering from a low turnout
My party hasn't got the clout
My friends cannot come out and play
I think I've chosen the wrong day

I always start off quite convinced
That heavy rain will leave us rinsed
The music tracks will be too gloomy
The living room will be too roomy

But usually we have some fun
And sometimes even have some sun
So really I should not despair
But try to barbeque with flair



Lowering the Tone

The birds are up - they know the season
Singing for some unknown reason
To call their partner in for tea
Or, 'Come sit here, this branch is free'
But some are singing with the tone
Of a mobile telephone
For when the birds are very young
They listen out for every song
If telephones are all around
Then they will copy that same sound
I think it's sad, I think it's wrong
We're interfering with their song
In years to come we may lament
The passing of what birds invent
It would be better if we heard
Phones that copied every bird



Cleaning

Now, I'm moderately keen
That each room should be quite clean
But I'm not so much obsessed
That I never get a rest
A woman's work is never done
So I make some time for fun
Then, last week, why all the fluster?
Whizzing round with my new duster
Why's it more than any other
I try to impress my mother?
Pocket money won't be busted
If she finds where I've not dusted
She herself is not perfection
Not here for a house inspection
No, I'm being really daft
Acting like twelve-and-a-half
I'll not do it any more
Just as soon as I've washed this floor



Cleaning II

Before, I was so very mean
I would not pay someone to clean
But now I have a bit more cash
I'll pay a girl to use the Flash
We organised someone to come
But then I acted really dumb
I rushed home on the night before
So I could wash the kitchen floor
Embarrassed by the dirt and grime
(I hope this changes, over time)



Washing

My washing machine's broken down
The drum just won't turn round and round
I cannot get the thing to drain
It really is a major pain
It will not wash, it will not dry
I have returned to days gone by
I'm washing everything by hand
Not the evening I had planned
I haven't done it for so long
Forgot I had to be so strong
Pummelling the socks and shirts
Rubbing collars 'til it hurts
Working out and using muscles
Beats that daily grind and hustle
It all will work out for the best
For while I wash I lose the stress



Washing II

O how I love my old washing machine
I put things in dirty and out they come clean
I just pop them in and fill up with some soap
Then later they reappear fresh as I'd hoped
But first they are drained and they spin and they spin
The clothes come out flat and incredibly thin
This is the best bit - and I'll tell you all why
In an hour or two all my clothes are quite dry
So the floor in the bathroom's not swimming with drips
And, walking across it, no more will I slip
Now washing by hand may be good for the soul
But I'm happier with a machine, on the whole



Shopping

Shopping for clothes is a horrible thing
I'd rather be fighting a bull in a ring
With a piece of red cloth I might do very well
Instead I am floundering in pinstripe hell
Trying to find suits with a decent cut
But the ones I try on make me look like a slut
With a split up the skirt and too tight on the chest
I'm likely to find myself under arrest
When walking the streets, and besides all of that
The clothes that I try on just make me look fat
The women I work with all seem to look smart
The choosing of good clothes is clearly an art
But whatever I wear, I just look like old me
I despair, I'm off home for a nice cup of tea




Lara

There's a competition advert up on posters everywhere
And the prize they're advertising is a weekend that you share
Just with Lara from Tomb Raiders, now I wonder if it's fair
To raise up the hopes of pimply youths and all the nerds out there

For to them, I'm sure that Lara's real, pneumatic, tough and fit
Never mind that she would fall right over, weighed down by her (b)its
In the minds of youths who all their lives in front of games screens sit
The long weekend that they imagine has got just one end to it

Don't get me wrong, she's lovely -I'm not jealous of those curves
But a whole young generation could be turning into pervs
For I worry that it's leading them to fantasies obscene
And they'll be so disappointed dating a computer screen



Saturday

I'm relaxing in front of the telly
With a bottle of wine by my side
And a pizza or two in my belly
And a smile on my face I can't hide
For there's nothing that I should be doing
I have got no appointments to keep
No troubles ahead that are brewing
And nothing to keep me from sleep
So what is so different about now
Why the happiness, why the delight?
Well the answer it seems is quite simple
It is merely a Saturday night

Amazing Facts

Now here is an amazing thought
Which you may never have been taught
We read books backwards, all of us
Now wait awhile, don't make a fuss
Just follow me along this track
For we all read from front to back
Progressing towards the back we go
So, that's the way our reading flows
Now here's another, just as true
That may not have occurred to you
When knitting garments with your wool
It's finished when with holes it's full
For that is knitting, making holes
With little knots round steely poles
Without the holes this could not be
Instead it would be macrame

Invaded

There's ants in the kitchen, all over the floor
I counted up twenty, there's probably more
And inside my sitting room last night, a mouse
I'm starting to feel that this isn't my house
The bathroom's a home for a nasty black bug
A spider was hiding downstairs on a rug
I'm sharing my space with things I can't abide
It's summer - why can't they enjoy the outside?

New York

New York has a culture you could not repeat
It's a feast for the eyes but quite hard on the feet
Most people are friendly, though gruff and quite loud
They have a resilience of which they are proud
While we were exploring, our accents they heard
And we sensed we were welcomed, though never a word
We went uptown and downtown and out on a boat
It seemed that Manhattan was also afloat
All edges were softer than they seemed before
We saw more of people, more into the core
With all of its energy, all of its flair
They were happy to see us, and we to be there

Quiz Swizz

We went to a quiz night on Wednesday
We had lots of fun there I have to say
So I won't be too rude
For we had drinks and food
For their clients, the hosts a good table lay

But the questions they asked were not very hard
And at times there I felt they had marked our card
For our score came out low
Less than most, even though
We'd not missed by a mile, but more like a yard

You'll forgive me perhaps for suspicious thought
Or for caring about this more than I ought
For I like to compete
And I thought it quite neat
That the winners were those who most from them bought

Sunbed

We went away on holiday and had a lovely time
Except for just one incident - the subject of this rhyme
It is the same old story - territorial disputes
In which so many conflicts have their fundamental roots
We saved ourselves some sunbeds with a towel upon each
Returning after breakfast to relax upon the beach
There we found our nearest neighbour had removed a towel of ours
And had substituted one of his, all covered in pink flowers
He admitted it quite freely, said he had a bed too few
So to steal another person's was an O.K. thing to do
Now I didn't want to quarrel but just how could I explain
When a moral education had been taught to him in vain?
So I spoke to him abruptly, with a few choice angry words
And he got a lot more later from his wife, or so I heard
But if you think you're pacifist, just look inside your head
And be honest about what you'd do to get back your sunbed

Pass The Port

Arrived at Stansted yesterday
Back from the Channel Isles
I got confused on my way out
And queued in the wrong file
Just follow the blue triangle
Was what the lady said
But I followed all the rest of them
And took the green instead
It seems the other passengers
Had all come more prepared
They each pulled out their passports while
The uniformed man stared
But when I got up to the front
Embarrassed, I confessed
I had not left the country but
In Jersey had a rest
He sent me round the queue again
I had to start anew
I think he thought that I had drunk
More than is good for you

Spirits Lifted

I got into the lift one day upon the 14th floor
There was just one other passenger, who had got in before
I was hoping we would hurry, I was running rather late
But in just a few more floors I found we'd stopped upon floor eight
So the doors were opened wide but not a soul went out or in
So the man I shared the lift with then explained it with a grin
The phantom of the lift, he said, and pointed to the air
I smiled as well and nodded to the one who was not there
So the three of us went downward and I hoped for no delay
But the phantom had some business on the second floor that day
For we stopped again, doors opened but no movement did we see
So I guess the ghost got off the lift, just leaving him and me

School Jumper

I needed sundry bits of kit
For games at school, so Mum did knit
My jumper, to save lots of pounds
But sadly, this is what I found
Just to be sure I never got
Too sweaty out there, or too hot
She knitted it with needles got
From masts she'd taken from a yacht
All winter long I nearly froze
With needles that were big as those
The holes were bigger than the wool
I don't mean to be ungrateful
The wind did howl, the wind did blow
It blew straight through me, even though
My mum had tried and worked so hard
Her daughter was a lump of lard
Who never ran to catch the ball
Who was no good at games at all
So next time, Mum, you knit and purl
Do not forget your lazy girl


Sleepless in London

So virtuous last night, I went early to bed
Fell asleep when the pillow slip first touched my head
Three hours later I woke with the smallest of sounds
I could not sleep again as the clock hands went round
Two o'clock I was thinking of what had been said
Three o'clock all my fears had been royally fed
Then at four I got up and went down for a drink
Splashed my face with cold water at the bathroom sink
At five, it was hopeless, I already knew
My alarm clock would wake me in hours too few
So at six I resigned myself to no more sleep
Then I missed the alarm, I was snoring so deep

Fatigue

When yesterday I took a nap
I thought, an hour or two, perhaps
But in the end I slept for four
And could have slept for twenty more
By Friday nights I feel so tired
My energy has all expired
I must restore my girlish glow
By working at a pace more slow
So, clients, if I move less fast
Or do less work than in the past
I'm saving energy to spend
In better ways at the weekend

Sleep

Early to bed and early to rise
Makes a man healthy wealthy and wise
Late to rise and late to bed
Generally means the next day a sore head

Early to bed and awake in between
Can sometimes be pleasant if rather obscene
But waking too early and staying awake
Is a common and frustrating kind of mistake

So I go to bed early and sleep if I can
Just imagine I'm on a beach getting tan
And I'm happy to say in a day now, or two
It's a daydream I have which is going to come true

Mine's A Million

I won the lottery at last
It came in slow but went out fast
I've waited since I don't know when
But only won a measly ten
The newsagent gave me the cash
But got it back in just a flash
I spent it on my next big hope
Without which I don't think I'd cope
A ticket with the numbers on
That's bound to win my million