New Year's Resolutions

For keeping resolutions
There is only one solution
You should make a little list
(Never writing it when p***ed)
That contains a lot of actions
You can do without distractions
While to really motivate
Include nothing that you hate
Only promising to do
That which really pleases you
Such as eating, drink or sex
Which you'll do this year and next
Never thinking of complaint
So with guilt you will not taint
This fresh start to the year
While finishing your beer



Diary

My diary is public - must be careful what I write
Always trying to present myself in favourable light
For today, I may be sullen, then tomorrow feel all stressed
But I'll always look to show my personality at best
And if I look for bright sides, happy tales I'll always tell
For always there's a lighter side to every tale as well
So if I keep on looking, bringing out what's best to show
Then the darker side is more than others ever need to know
'Cause I know we all have problems, all have things that bring us down
But I will not give your day another reason for a frown
Instead I'll always look for what is humorous in each day
It's my New Year's resolution and I promise not to stray
But you're missing very little in these insights into life
If I leave out all the bad bits, do not deal with any strife
For my life is not that thrilling and my thoughts are not so deep
Any secrets that I have are ones that I had better keep
But the truth is, what I'd write in any diary just for me
Is exciting stuff like what I weigh and what I had for tea



Sales

In the sales there are a lot of things one likes to buy
Like a diamond patterned jumper or that kipper tie
Though the place is rather crowded and one has to say
These are not the type at all with whom one likes to play
For they're really rather common and a tad too rough
And one has to push quite hard today to get enough
Though it may seem rather vulgar I am sure you'll see
There are standards to maintain when you live life like me
Though one can't afford the full price one can still get by
With a sharpened pair of elbows and a bargain spotter's eye



February

The hairdresser's window displaying a sign
Told me of their mood and, in short, mirrored mine
It said 20% off colour all week
I too have been feeling a little off peak



Valentine

OK, so it's embarrassing
I'll try to keep it brief
But I have to say I love you
While I still have my own teeth
To take the time to smile at you
While I can still see clear
Maybe whispering sweet nothings
While there's just a chance you'll hear
For we're neither getting younger
Built for comfort, not for speed
But in years that are to come, my love
You'll still be what I need



Mother's Day

I usually have cereal for breakfast
But today
For a treat
I had a slice of burnt toast
The butter mixed with the black scrapings
Three lumps of marmalade
Embedded in the surface
Plus the half of the chocolate biscuit
Which didn't fall on the floor
I washed it down with a half & half mixture
Of cold tea and stewed milk
Accompanied by a rose
It was delicious



No Grand from the National (Blue Iris!)

The steeplechase has left me flat
I placed my bet but that was that
The horse I backed just played no part
It failed to place right from the start
My only hope, that those ahead
Would all fall down, would all stop dead
Though I'd not wish them any harm
I wished upon my lucky charm
That they would all just fade away
That just one horse the course would stay
So I could have the winning steed
To meet my large pecuniary need
But by the end, when others won,
Were celebrating, having fun
My horse had long been left behind
The fates to me had not been kind
So far from galloping in so fast
Alas, alack, my horse came last



1st April

Today my curtains stayed closed against the sunlight
Windows shuttered to the sound of birds
I ignored the sound of my son knocking on the door
And my daughter and her friend chatting on the stairs
I ate very little; a simple sandwich with no crusts
I drank water in small sips
I pushed away my husband
No hugs or kisses today
In fact
I turned down all of life's small pleasures
To make sure
To be absolutely certain
That I would not be caught out
Not be taken for a ride
April Fool



Boat Race - No Slanging Match

He said
I know where's a good place
We can
Go to watch the Boat Race
So friends
All met up together
Who cared
It was lousy weather?
One drink
Two and then just one more
Forgot
Just what we had come for
One girl
Jumped upon the table
Danced as
Long as she was able
Men stared
She was such a fine sight
She stayed
Drinking through the whole night
I could
Not keep up with that pace
Nice legs
Shame about the Boat Race



Easter Monday

How lovely to miss Monday
Not turning up for work
A pity it's just one day
If I could have a perk
I would translate this regime
To every other week
If I could have this one dream
Then wouldn't life be sweet?
For Sunday was a rest day
But now it is no more
So make Monday our best day
And even up the score
Let all the shops be silent
With peaceful roads all round
Kids' games, not rough or violent
Should be the only sound
By filling up our weekends
We're getting no release
So let's climb out the deep end
And fill today with peace



May Weather

Outside yesterday I was puffing
In the air my breath was huffing
Freezing cold and blowing rain
How can May be such a pain?
Got a tan three days ago
Now it feels like it might snow
Still, while season are all warring
One thing is, it's never boring
Who knows what next week will bring?
Maybe it will act like Spring
No wonder we're with weather smitten
Living in this weird Great Britain



Rainy June

We're soggy and waterlogged
Lawn now is just a bog
Rain falling every day
No sunshine on display
We are all stuck inside
While from the storms we hide
July may turn out fair
Think we'll be swimming there



Sunny Day

Sitting in the garden on a sunny afternoon
Soaking up the sun, the day is over all too soon
Children all are playing, food is cooking on the fire
I find myself relaxing and my spirits rising higher
Lying on a blanket with sunglasses on my head
I look a pretty sight as all my skin turns lobster red
So I choose a spot more shady as I sip a glass of wine
Can anybody tell me of a day that is more fine?



No Picnic

Her eyes were strawberries
Red and plump
Her buttocks melons
Big round lumps
And underneath her summer vest
Two grapes were nestled on her chest
But heating up her beefsteak friend
She barbequed him round the bend



Birthday

My birthday would be perfect
If I had cakes for tea
Piles of presents with shiny paper
Tied by big pink ribbons
A party dress to wear with frills and flowers
Shiny red shoes on my feet
All my friends would come round
We would play silly games
Sardines, kiss chase, twister
I would eat chocolate and not feel sick
I would go to bed late
After everyone had sung Happy Birthday to me
Over a huge cake with sparkling candles
Which would light up my face and make my eyes shine

Today, though, I must go to work with strangers
Work as though I never had a birthday, never cared
Keep quiet about my age as if ashamed
Control that child inside
Who, today, is longing to dance

Happy Birthday to her



Halloween

I am a small clown in a white plastic mask
Clutching a pillow case, I stalk the streets
Following a warm and familiar pack of vampires, zombies and ghosts
I feel a delicious chill on the back of my neck
As I hurry along at the back of the pack
Other gangs of the undead roaming the streets around us
Which of them conceals the real monsters?
The group of stalkers whose home is
Not the apartment building in the next block
But the graveyard
They are out tonight
Collecting, not sweets, but children
I know they are out there
My sister told me
So I hurry to catch up, squirming into the centre of the group
Where I can see the sneakers beneath the sheets



Good Advice

Santa sits, takes off his boots
Loosens up his big red suit
Puts his feet up by the fire
Prods it 'til the flames rise higher
Smiles at me with twinkling eyes
"Mrs Claus," he says, "you're wise.
Those naughty children I forgave
And think of all the coal we've saved"



This Could Be

This could be my last day for having bad moods
This could be my last day for eating fast food
For coming home drunk, for just watching TV
For arguing hard and not letting things be

This could be my last day for sulking or tears
My last for not facing my own silly fears
For meanness and worry, for lazing around
For living my life without turning it round

This could be my last day, who knows if it's true
If it is then there still is so much I should do
I will never be perfect, can't win that award
But I guarantee next year I still won't be bored



For Auld Lang Syne

Some people helped me through my year
Some that were there but sent word here
While others held me in their arms
Dried up my tears, soothed my alarms
Often I found that those most kind
I had not thought friends, in my mind
While others whom I thought were close
Or those whom I relied on most
Just turned away, ignored my plight
Into my darkness shed no light
So now, to them, I bid goodbye
For their long absence I'll not cry
But hold on to my truer friends
Thanking them at this year's end
For comfort given, love received
For helping my heart when I grieved
I send you warmth, I hold you dear
I hope you're happy all next year